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Starstruck810
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Name: Stephanie
Gender: Female
Interests: Writing, Reading, Watching good movies, The beach, skimboarding, listening to good music, playing guitar, playing drums, watching football and basketball
Expertise: Putting things on top of other things, and silly walks.
Occupation: Physical Therapy Technician/St
Industry: Physical Therapy
Message: message meEmail: email me
AIM:  Wahine0829
Member Since:
6/17/2003
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| And just like that, everything has changed. And nothing. Will ever. Be the same. Again.
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| I have sounded quite emotional lately on this. I suppose many transitions are afoot in my life right now. I am getting closer to my goal of physical therapy school. This is positive, I suppose.
There are some things of which I will never be a part, and I am told that it is because I am somehow intimidating. I tend to think that this is bull shit, but I also do not place the responsibility for my not being a part of things on other people. There is something about me that people cannot relate to, and it is odd. I think it is something to do with different levels of intensity. Maybe certain walls I have built over time in response to much pain and adversity. I think these things make me seem emotionally deficient in some way. However, that could not be further from what is actually the case - that I am an extremely emotionally driven human being. Very much so. I think it is just that the expression of this is generally very internal - something I tend to work out in my own brain, while keeping a poker face on the outside. Few people are privy to my true emotional breakdowns/freak outs. This is a positive thing. Who would want to take that on? However, few people are privy to my emotional warmth, and that, I think is where one of the disconnects may lie. I am not sure. I am also very reasonable/analytical. This is the side of me that I mask as well with rants, and seeming displays of passionate intensity about topics, which really, are just opinions, and I know it, and I love it when my caricature self is exposed in this way. It is also hard for me to be a person who always has an opinion on serious things such as politics, philosophy, religion, etc. I think this is because I am so concerned with being open minded that I rarely form solid opinions. I think that opinion is immature anyway, and the ability to form opinions is not really something that I value. What I value is the pursuit of and love for wisdom, which to me, takes in all points of view in a sort of assimilation and comfort.
This is not to say that I never form opinions. I, of course, do often and constantly. But these opinions change often as well. What really emerges within me lately as I analyze myself (which I am never not doing) is a sense of balance, of inner tranquility, of the love for and pursuit of wisdom, a sense of clarity, of honesty, of eyes wide openness. These things come into conflict often with angst, awkwardness, apathy....I don't know. I am a complex human being just like everyone else, and yet I am like no one that I know.
I don't really know what the point of working this out here in this arena is. It is more so just a chronicling of thoughts that if other people happen upon and happen to identify with, then cool. And if no one ever reads it, it is here for me to come back and read from time to time.
But the disconnect I was referring to. That which separates me. That which keeps me apart from others. From the "group" at work. From this "group" or that "group" of friends is still somewhat of a mystery to me. I am still trying to figure out why I cannot be at ease with myself in the context of others. There are some massive, massive walls I have built, and I am not saying that it is necessary for me to tear them down, but I wish I could understand a little better.
Above all, this is what I am seeing more and more in this life: Love=truth=wisdom=God. I am trying to learn what it means to walk in love.
And I am trying of course as always is the case to learn more. Always to learn more. Always to love learning. Always to read and study and think and write and ponder. And somewhere blanketed in all of these things is me. And I am a lover not a hater, in spite of what I tend to outwardly portray....
There is more I am sure, but I will leave it there for now.
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| Why am I so awkward? Always, always awkward. And I thought I was getting better at social interaction. I hate feeling lame the next day. I HATE it. What is the shortage in my brain, and my personality that makes me so so awkward around people I don't know very well? What IS it? I think I just need to be friends with people that I feel at home around, not people that I feel like I have to fill a role around. There is a difference. But I try. I try to put myself out there, and meet new people.
What I really want is a posse. A posse of intimate comfort. There is like dim lighting and hoodies and pajama pants in my vision, with candles, and listening to vinyls, and discussing books, and myself actually opening up to another human for a change. I don't know why I am so, SO bad at it. SO bad.
One thing that I know that I do do (DODODO), is use negative humor as a defense mechanism. I find myself just railing on people, things, or institutions that I hate, and for what? I don't know. People laugh. But that's not really an essential part of me that I wish to share with everyone. But it comes out, and usually first with new people. And maybe that's why I feel awkward the next day. They are going to think I am a negative person. I don't give a shit what they think. I do give a shit or I wouldn't be obsessing over it. I don't GET it. Can't I just RELAX and be me and stopping thinking that NO ONE will ever get me. Can't I find value in social interaction just for social interaction's sake? Why does everything have to be go deep or don't go there...this person is not worth my time............ I DON'T KNOW.
But I feel lame.
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| The ocean is bleeding salt.
My sunburn hurts. Hate you, Florida.
It could be you, it could be me.
New friends.
Old friends.
Contentment fails to inspire me. And it kind of freaks me out. Like will I ever be happy, and what will that actually look like?
I am sure it will have a dark side, or it couldn't be an emotion that I possess. In the mean time...I think in rate laws, balanced chemical equations, equilibrium constants, and bronsted-lowry acid-base chemistry. Life is...well...
Life is. As Always.
Sarah settle down. Put your helmet on. Walk through streets of gold with cigarettes you hand-rolled. I don't know you. And I don't owe you a thing.
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| Things that I love about fall:
1.) Open windows
2.) Cool --> cold weather
3.) Apple cider
4.) Apple cider with goldschlager
5.) Crock pot meals
6.) Savory meals
7.) Not sweating ALL the time
8.) Hoodies
9.) Le Coq's
10.) Cooking squash
11.) Squash and pumpkins being used as decorative gourds
12.) Walking everywhere because I can't get enough of the weather
13.) Running is so much better in the fall.
14.) Coffee tastes better in the fall.
15.) Oktoberfest beer!
16.) How fall so gently fades into the holidays.
17.) Burning fall-smelling candles at all times.
18.) How the dryer running is comforting in the fall because it is no longer heating up the whole house and making me sweat.
19.) Leaves changing colors!!!!
20.) FOOTBALL!!!
21.) Bonfires and halloween parties with friends.
22.) Huddling on my couch under blankets with the window open to curl up with a book, or even homework, which under these conditions, is not so bad.
23.) Hiking in the fall
24.) Camping in the fall.
25.) Cuddling furry orange kittleses catfaces on the couch
26.) How the beach is just lovely and deserted in the fall.
27.) How my husband and I got married on the beach in the fall.
I think that mainly, it is a general feeling that the heat of summer has finally left us. That even though we have enjoyed the long periods of daylight, we are ready to hibernate for a while, and enjoy the comforts of home, of family, of friends. Hence, the blankets and crock pot meals. That nature is no longer frying under the summer sun, and you can feel it breathing again for a while, until it goes to sleep for the winter. That being outside just feels so good, and coming inside feels warm, especially when hearty meals are simmering in the dutch oven or crock pot, or baking in the oven. And candles. Fall would not be fall without candles, records, hoodies, and open windows. This is my favorite season. Period.
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